Mars and Venus on a Date - John Gray (5 of 5 Giddy Smiles)

Of all of the books I've read over the past few months about relationships, this is probably the best.  Thanks Tara for the recommendation.

The book begins with a discussion of the five stages of relationships.  They are

1. Attraction - Flirting Stage, first meetings, first dates
2. Uncertainity - You're interested, but not sure if the other person is
3. Exclusivity - Decision is made to date only each other, still maintaining appearances
4. Intimacy - Time to get to know the real person, positive and negative
5. Engagement - Rings and preparation for marriage

After describing the stages, Gray discusses how to manuever effectively through the stages.  Skipping stages can leave an insecure foundation.  Both individuals in the relationship need to move through the stages at approximately the same rate.  If the girl moves too fast, the guy gets lazy.  If the guy moves too fast, the girl feels that he is asking too much.

Miscellaneous topics are after discussed.  These include such things as what women are attracted to, what men are attracted to, why some guys don't like commitment, 100 places to meet your future companion, etc.  These supplementary topics are full of rare gems.

I found this book so intriguing that I took 6-7 pages of notes for my files.  If you're interested in reading this document, let me know and I'll send it to you.  Happy dating!

The Fine Art of Small Talk - Debra Fine (4.5 of 5 Weather Forecasts)

My sister Emily and I decided to team up this year to buy Christmas presents for the family.  Rather than tromping around the mall for several hours, we crashed the local Barnes and Noble to get everyone a book.  I think we were rather successful.  Everyone seemed pretty happy with our choices.  I picked out The Fine Art for myself.  I figured it was time to put an end to all those intensely awkward elevator rides at the Church Office Building...

I was quite impressed with this little gem of a book.  In the introduction the author confessed to having been the shy kid in the back of the class for most of her childhood.  In her early adulthood she decided that it was time to take a more proactive approach to small talk, acknowledging that successful chatting is a critical part of family gatherings, business meetings, dating, etc.  She now spends her time traveling across the country giving small talk seminars to large corporations such as IBM and Wells Fargo.

So I guess there's hope for me!  I enjoyed the book because it presents a healthy blend of general principles and specific advice.  Debra Fine teaches that there are two key things that we need learn in making small talk.  1 - Take the risk.  2 - Assume the burden.  We can't expect others to come to us.  We must go to them, regardless of the risk of embarrassment.  Once the conversation is going, we must assume the burden of keeping it going.  We shouldn't expect others to carry the conversation.  Successful small talk occurs when both people actively contribute to the conversation.

She starts with describing the importance of small talk, and then follows a conversation through from beginning to end, teaching successful techniques for starting conversations, finding interesting topics of discussion, overcoming awkward pauses, effective listening, and graceful exits.  I especially enjoyed her chapter, "Crimes and Misdemeanors."  She details the eight criminals of conversation:

1. The FBI Agent - Asks question after question without offering anything
2. The Braggart - Constantly boasts about his or her accomplishments, embellishing the truth
3. The One-Upper - Always tries to top anything you say
4. The Monopolizer - Refuse to give up the spotlight of conversation
5. The Interrupter - Can't wait to insert something into your discussion
6. The Poor Sport - Replies, "Nothing." to the question, "What did you do this weekend?"
7. The Know-It-All - Has no interest in anyone's opinions but his or her own
8. The Adviser - Offers advice where none is wanted 

I think we've all been guilty of at least one of these crimes, if not all at one time or another.  Recognition is the first step towards correcting bad behavior...  

I'd highly recommend this book to anyone wanted to brush up on their interpersonal skills.  I'm excited to try out my new knowledge in the elevator next week.  Would you like to join me?

The Triumphant Marriage - Neil Warren (3 or 5 Love Secrets)

This is the uh...the fourth book I've read by Neil Warren.  It was definitely my least favorite so far.  It didn't feel like there was a lot of original material there.  Warren just adapted all of the same principles to marriage.

He sets out ten "love secrets" of successful marriages.  The one I liked best was the first one, "Dream a Dream."  Having a goal in mind always gives us something to work toward.  Warren counsels that couples should make an effort to enjoy every day for what it is, but always look forward to what their relationship could become.

Men Are from Mars, Women are From Venus - John Gray (3 of 5 Mismatched Planets)

I suppose that if you're going to do some research on relationships, it's required that you read the so-called Bible on men vs. women.  Well...I wasn't too impressed.  Yes, women and men are different, but those distinctions are not so exaggerated as Gray makes them out to be.

According to Gray, the planet Mars is full of machines looking for attention.  When men have problems, they run off to their "caves" to think.  Women on the other hand are social butterflies who go looking for other people to talk to in order to feel better.  They have different motivations, different communication styles, and so on.  

Gray stresses the importance of communicating feelings between the genders through love letters.  Through these letters, men and women can carefully express what they are feeling and avoid the misunderstandings that take place in heated arguments.

And so on.  There is some good practical information here, but a lot of fluff too.

Date...or Soul Mate? - Neil Warren (4 of 5 Must Haves)

This is the third book I've read by Warren.  The first was Felicity's Finding the Love of Your Life.  The second was Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons.  Perhaps the most interesting thing about this book was watching the evolution of the theories espoused by Warren.  Finding was published in 1992, Date in 2002, and Falling in 2005.  In 1992 he was already talking about how successful relationships were based on a wide variety of similarities.  His second book was published just as eharmony.com was taking off.  The 29 dimensions were included in the book, but only in an appendix at the end.  By 2005, the website had over 6 million members.  His third book examined the 29 qualities in detail.

As you might expect, there wasn't a lot of original material in the second book.  It felt like a rehash of the other two.  However, there were a few tidbits of wisdom.  

Warren stresses the importance of creating a list of ten "must haves" and ten "can't haves."  He provides a list of fifty general things on both sides and then asks you pick your top ten.  Once they are ingrained in your mind, you will be able to make your dates more effective.  If you see one of the can't haves, you should avoid further dates.  If you encounter over five or so must haves, you should consider establishing a relationship.  You shouldn't however get married unless you find all ten.  Essentially effective dating is the product of consciously working out exactly who you are and what you're looking for.

Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons - Neil Warren (4 of 5 Personality Profiles)

Last week, Felicity posted a review of Neil Warren’s book Finding the Love of Your Life.  She expressed her embarrassment about posting the review.  I was not surprised by this feeling.  For some reason we all shy away from reading books about relationships.  Perhaps we think that reading a book shows our inability to pick up the same information through real-world experience.  I don’t think this is true.  I believe that a healthy balance between study and action is best.

As I mentioned in the comment to Felicity’s post, if we want to know more about finances, we study books on finances.  We don’t just blindly dump our life savings into high risk investments.  Thankfully, doctors spend a great deal of time in the classroom studying the knowledge of experts before they start jabbing scalpels into their patients.  Why should relationships be any different?  Who you marry is one of the most important decisions you will make in your lifetime.  Dating is an extension of that decision.  Shouldn’t we therefore put more time into preparing ourselves?  If we were better informed about relationships, is it possible that the divorce rates would be more lower than they are now?

The core of Falling in Love addresses this topic.  After many years as working as a marriage counselor, Warren decided that the most successful relationships are those in which the partners have a broad foundation of common personality traits, interests, habits, etc. – exactly 29 to be precise.  After a rather lengthy introduction, Warren describes all 29 dimensions in depth.  He believes that a soul mate would be a man or woman of the opposite gender who matches your scores in all 29 dimensions.

Fine.  That’s well and dandy.  But how am I supposed to locate that person?  That’s where eharmony.com comes in.  Warren is the founder of this website.  I will admit that my initial reaction was negative, but with some explaining from Dr. Warren, I’m intrigued by the idea.  The method behind the website is that each person upon registering completes an extensive personality profile.  The software breaks down the responses into the 29 categories.  The site will then go out and look for someone that matches you.  I’ll admit I’m not a firm proponent of internet dating, but I find the principle interesting.  Why not utilize the power that technology has to offer?  What are the odds of me actually locating someone that matches all 29 dimensions, especially if they live in another city or state?  Why not let the computer do it?

Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D.

I was wary of posting a review of this book—people might get the wrong idea. Then I remembered not to care what people think. So let me highly recommend this book! An old college roommate suggested this title to me almost a year ago and its taken me almost a year to procure a copy, and then find motivation to read it. What? Its not just the READER’S of this Blog who might judge me. I’m my own judge, thank you very much.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren is a therapist who seemingly specializes in marriage relationships. His tongue-in-cheek writing style is fantastic and very accessible to the lay reader. His Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner are straight-forward, and his explanations are sprinkled with real-world examples from his office. All of this together makes for a very interesting—and highly practical “guide.” As I read I found myself thinking about things I had honestly never considered when it comes to looking for The Right One.

Even for one not currently in a relationship—this book rocks. For someone in a relationship, I might even label this a Must-Read. Good stuff all around.

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